Fixation Follies

I remember when my sister’s elder child was about The Bird’s age, she would talk about The Peach (my niece) being obsessed with Mommy or Daddy. This obsession could last weeks, days or maybe just a few hours. But during these episodes, the child would completely disregard the presence of one parent and focus all her energy toward the other. Favored Parent could barely leave the room and when Ignored Parent tried to intervene, chaos would ensue.

I thought she was exaggerating.

Alas, I find myself the subject of an extremely fervent and long-lasting parental obsession. At the moment, Tugboat is worse than persona non grata. He’s more like gum on her shoe. She looks at him, rolls her eyes, growls and then tries to kick him off of her. Whereas if I even attempt to avert my eyes from The Bird she collapses in a yelping repeat chorus of “MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY!”

This fixation was not fully formed when I hopped a JetBlue to NYC a few weeks ago and spent only my second night away from her. But by the time I returned, it was official, The Bird was obsessed. While I was in New York, The Bird refused to sleep or eat. The sleeping part was particularly problematic for Tugboat who, because of his constant acute pain and medication side effects, requires at least one nap a day.

With all the legal shenanigans, I’ve gotten pretty used to describing Tugboat’s limitations. The one I trot out almost immediately is his inability to care for his daughter without aid. Sometimes I’m unsure about how dire I make this out to be on applications for aid or in depositions. It’s not that I am lying or exaggerating, but he has been able to take her out alone for an hour or two at a time. So I become nervous about the extent to which I emphasize this issue. What my overnight displayed was that he is indeed unable to care for his daughter without aid.

The minute I walked in the door after being away for 28 hours, Tugboat went upstairs and fell asleep for six straight. It took The Bird three days to get back on schedule after a weekend of missed naps and 5am wake-ups. There was general grouchiness and pleas that I not do that again—from both of them.

I envy those parents that can jaunt off at a moment’s notice. There are people with whom I think we could leave her. But at this age, this unbelievably challenging age she’s in, I can’t see it being much fun for anybody involved.

I cringe a little when I get the immediate response, “You just need to go away more.” I know, I know. But Tugboat was just five months post surgeries when she was born and his physical health has been very up and down since then. So, I’ve become very accustomed to being the point person for everything Bird. Yes, he does a lot. More than most dudes, I imagine, simply because he’s home a lot more. But it’s the unrelenting, no relief, kind of care that he’s not really able to handle. Add to that his medication-tinged sleep and you have the only adult in the house unable to hear a child’s screams. So even bringing a more-than-we-should-responsibly-pay-for sitter into the mix doesn’t alleviate the problem.

So, no, I don’t think this trip is a very good idea. We’ve hashed it out seven ways to Sunday and we can’t make it work. For him, eating the costs I’ll lose by bagging out is still better than being alone with The Bird for four days. And I have to agree. She’s just too tough and he’s not physically up to it. And, of course, I can’t drink like the fish I’d planned to impersonate all weekend. (The whole being pregnant thing is factoring into it. Four flights in four days are a lot even when I’m not already bloated.)

I’ve emailed the organizers a few times about getting in contact with people on the waitlist and have heard nothing. So, if you know anyone dying to go, please send her my way. And, let’s refrain from the pleas to change my mind. This was a VERY hard decision to make and I don’t want to mull it over anymore. I’m sad, but settled.

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Comments

[Nancy]

Madge, I am very sorry that you won't get to go to BlogHer, but I completely understand. I will only say -- I look forward to meeting you whenever that will be.

[mothergoosemouse]

Madge, I understand completely. No guilt, no disappointment, nothing except a promise that I will e-mail Lisa Stone right now.

And - as always - best wishes for you and Tugboat and the Bird.

[Elizabeth]

Madge, I also understand, and while I'm sorry you won't get to go to BlogHer, you need to take care of yourself and your family. I'll be thinking about you and I promise we'll raise a glass for you.

[Mom101]

I'll take it unless someone else really wants it. I get in at 10 am that day and was wondering what I was going to do all day anyway. So I'll make lunch and a couple workshops.

So give it a day and if anyone else is dying for it, that's fine. Otherwise, count on me.

This should be the last thing you need to worry about.

[Mom101]

I'll take it unless someone else really wants it. I get in at 10 am that day and was wondering what I was going to do all day anyway. So I'll make lunch and a couple workshops.

So give it a day and if anyone else is dying for it, that's fine. Otherwise, count on me.

This should be the last thing you need to worry about.

[Caroline]

Hey, I have a great babysitter who's available a lot this summer (she teaches with me) and will be available nights/weekends when school starts again. She's expensive, but I think they all are, and it's always good to have a few more names in the pipeline. Contact me if you want her info.

[Heidi]

Damn that sucks. I so wish you could go.

But, unlike all of the lucky BlogHer attendees, I'll be at home. So, feel free to get in touch if you need to bitch. I'll just be sitting on my ass trying to placate contractions.

Really, you're an amazing mother and wife to make the sacrifice to stay home.

[V-Grrrl]

Hang in there Madge.

I've been both the parent who couldn't leave and the parent who was in no shape to take care of a toddler but had to.

Sometimes life just sucks. But it won't suck forever. (People on the Internet say such profound things, right?)

[mothergoosemouse]

Madge, expect an e-mail from me, copying Elisa Camahort. I hope you can get hooked up.

[Lori]

OK, now I'm really wishing I'd run into you while I was here in Portland (I suppose there's still time -- we're not leaving until tomorrow morning :), since I won't get a chance to meet you at BlogHer.

I will be going out on Thursday morning, working in my company's office in SF all day Thursday, attending BlogHer Friday and Saturday, and then flying home early Sunday morning. I had wanted to stay longer and spend some more time with my work colleagues, but my husband -- my fully functional, does-most-of-the-childwork husband -- vetoed that plan. Four days alone with the Boopster will be more than enough for him. At first I thought he was being kind of unreasonable, but then stopped to consider how lucky I am. I can't imagine what all that flying and the days alone with the Bird would do to you and Tugboat.

So sorry you're going to miss the trip, and I hope to meet you some other time. My best to the three of you.

[Dawn]

Sweetie I am terribly sorry to know you aren't coming, but I also understand completely. I also wondered how you were feeling with the Bird 2 brewing in the nest.

Sometimes the best path is the one which will make everyone relaxed....

[muriel]

Sorry about having to cancel the trip.

I've been like V-Grrrl, "I've been both the parent who couldn't leave and the parent who was in no shape to take care of a toddler but had to."

Hang in there! I'm not going to blogher either, if it makes you feel any better! :) I just never decided to go, figured I probably wouldn't fit in with all the witty and excellent writers such as yourself!

[Her Bad Mother]

So sorry to hear but understand TOTALLY. Good on you for knowing what's best for you and the family.

[TB]

Oh man, I know you must be disappointed and I'm sorry I won't get to meet you because you are super cool.